Photography, gonna make you sweat.

I recently purchased a Canon 5D Mark II High Definition Camera that shoots at 12.8 effective pixels using the CMOS processing algorithm . I had a killer shoot coming up and I really wanted to shoot both full frame 35mm stills and high definition video with only .5ft depth of field.

My subject that day was a flower. A killer rad one! I took out my camera, along with my Zacuto 'internal' battery pack suit, purchased from Zacuto along with a 200 lb finder that would allow a magnification of 2x and implement directly into my retina. I then added a seat that I purchased off RedRock Mirco for 5,000 that would attach to the tripod connection of my 5D and implement directly into my bottom via bolts purchased on eBay. Along with a shoulder rig and pull focus device that I also bought from Zacuto for $20,000 I was able to get the shot of my flower.

I felt exactly like Michael Bay. I had such a cool killer rad rig. I was so cool that I took four pictures. I am going to post these pictures to my blog soon along with a time lapse video I created showing the process. Killer !

Dave Coulier Tried To Hurt Me

So, it's true. Dave Coullier tried to punch me in the face earlier today. 

It was tense. 

I was working around Temecula BLVD, I was wearing a pair of purple shorts and some shoes. I had no shirt on, because it was chilly outside, and I'm like that. Dangerous and free....

Dave Coullier came bounding down the street like Tigger, but he had no Pants on. 

We attracted like magnets, but then he reared back like a beatle and swung toward my face. He missed because I'm so fucking fast I just leaned back...

I was scared, but barely had a second to collect myself. The "Pappoz" emerged like ants from the hills and started clicking, taking photostats of us. I know what they wanted. I could imagine the cover of US and In Touch this week. I could see it, me laying on the ground with Dave Coullier standing above me laughing. In big white letters it would say :

"POPEYE POPS TROYS EYE"

In this economy, there is a part of me that embraces it. I realize the type of turn around that cover would bring to the publishers in a time when sales are critical. Can you imagine former bad-boy hunk Coullier and me on the same cover, in a fight? If we sold this as a DVD it would be very popular indeed. 

Well, guess what happened next? I stood up and I looked Dave in the eye as flashes burst around us. The Pappoz yelled "Do your own thing Troy, go for you, Troy" they said. I turned to them as Dave switched to a Jackelope voice, taunting me "You Blow" he said in the tiny voice, "you blow bad" he repeated adding umph. I turned to him and said "No. YOU blow". 

That really made him stand stone cold like concrete. He was completely deflated. 

The Pappoz laughed hard and we all mocked him. We joined together to mock what he stands for, and we did it well. 

We did it well.

Me & John Stamos Talk Full House Remake

One of my dearest Hollywood friends is former Beach Boys & Jessie and the Rippers drummer, John Stamos. Mr.John, as I call him is one of the most well known and respected actors of my generation. He is known famously for playing Uncle Jessie Gadzapalous on the award winning TV comedy "Full House". The show is considered a rare bread amongst situation comedies. It stands side by side with "All In The Family", "MASH", and "I Love Lucy" as one of the greatest, the most socially responsible program that ruled with a iron first, teaching virtue and morality while it showed an unusual family structure. The show was criticized by some politicians for being too real' and striking too close to the heart of both the hopes and dreams of the American people.

Full House was a torch of light in an otherwise dark time. It stood above the pack of 90's sitcoms, and crushed silly trite fair such as 'Rosanne' under the steel toed motorcycle boot of Uncle Jessie, the fine gilled comedy blade of [my friend] David Coulier as Joey Gladstone, and the calm comedic timing of two young ladies who have gone on to destroy the world with their beauty, talent, and voluptuous curves, Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen. The show was like a fine port waiting in a cedar barrel for years, and I was like the first man to taste said port, while naked in a hot tub on the top of an Aspen mountain. Yes, my friends, this was the life.

I sat down with my friend John Stamos outside of a coffee shop on Sunset Blvd in la la. Thats right, la la. He was wearing a sleeveless t, showing his rockin biceps and his tangle of wavy hair dangled over his shoulders. He was in costume for a day of shooting a remake of "Full House" a project that is dear to his heart.

TROY : So, John. Lookin' good bro. You must have been hitting that gym hard to get in shape.

JOHN: yeah, I have been. Uncle Jessie was known for being a hunk on the original. I'm taking i tin another direction, a kind of Rocky thing.

TROY: really? That sounds interesting.....and risky.

JOHN: Indeed. I feel that Uncle Jessie has lived his life on the edge, and after getting married and having the twins, he felt disgusted inside. He would have been disgustd by his wife and kids on a level that I cannot even imagine. The producers kept our hands tied, but now that I own the rights to the show, I'm going to get it right on some levels I couldn't get it right on back then....

TROY : really? That sounds interesting....

JOHN: Yes. See, I don't want to give too much away..

TROY: Don't even go there, John. I came all the way out to LA for this. Heheh

JOHN: Okay, a little tid bit. See, Uncle Jessie moved to Tibet. After the original show went off the air, I imagined that Uncle Jessie moved to Tibet and became a monk. See, he was so into music, but so much deeper, so much more involved on a psycological level. Uncle Jessie craved knowledge, and spirituality.

TROY: So, he's a monk now?

JOHN : He rocks in a Band Of Monks called "CHROME DOME"! Yeah, he went down there, but the music got the best of him, so he turned them onto his vibe! Now they're playing Louie Louie and Wipeout on the mountain peaks. See, Uncle Jessie is that kind of guy...

TROY: Thats amazing! Did your TV family go with?

JOHN: Yeah, well... Basically, we retconed them out. Not really removed them, but there is a story that Uncle Jessie tells where he describes leaving them stranded in Tibet as a joke, then he sells the kids on ebay. Kind of a funny twist! He ends up buying a killer set of drums with the proceeds and starting a tour with the CHROME DOMES in the US. It's so out of their element and their cultural world! Uncle Jessie has to teach them, show them how to eat a hot dog, how to wear pants -- he teaches them. It's a kind of 'fish out of water' thing.

TROY: Wow. I would have never seen that coming. Have you been writing this since you left? I know you have done some amazing work on ER and other stuff as well, but Full House was the pinnacle, I would have to say....the show was...

JOHN: ...The show was amazing. It was so much more than some critics thought. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was critically acclaimed back then, and award winning...but, I always knew I could do so much more with the concept. The only thing people remember about the 90's was Full House and Rockapella. I think there is something so rich in that nostalgia. See, It wasn't just me. Bob [Sagat] had envisioned throwing some "Cock Humor" into the mix, but ABC was so opposed to it.

TROY: Bob is a dirty comic on stage, but on the show...

JOHN: On the show he played it straight, and safe. He wasn't the bad boy on the show, David [Coulier] wasn't either -- he was the bafoon. If anyone was going to have edge on the show it was to be me, or I would have walked to fucking fast your head would have spun....

TROY: Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't see that one coming. I was just saying the show was really inspirational...

JOHN: I remember when Bob told me to fuck off back then. He wrote a script called 'Daddy Pottie Pants' wherein he gets the flu and goes #2 in his pants. We ALL see it, and of course make fun of him relentlessly. I teach the girls how to say 'day gwoss' and they keep pointing at him, and laughing, chiding him.  It was dark and moody, it was the kind of story he should have written for me . I was SO ready to walk.  I got right up in his face and said Uncle Jessie should shit his pants, and Uncle Jessie should get teased, Uncle Jessie should commit suicide...Sagat wanted his character to be dark, go Full Meta Jacket, but I knew it was wrong, and deep down so did he. Anyway, I got up in his face and called him a jerk, he told me to fuck off...thats all.  I was so done...

TROY: So what happened? Is this why the show ended?

JOHN: Hey fuck you pal...

TROY: John, wait. I'm sorry -- what did I say?

JOHN: The show didn't end, and it hasn't ended. Just because it went off the air doesn't mean it's over. Tell the fan base that it's over, tell the syndicators..... 

TROY: Cool down, my friend. Cool down! Please, have a seat. Your starting to sweat...

JOHN: Yeah, thats Uncle Jessies blood -- sweat, under my pits, under my legs on a hot summer day. I sit on my throne of drumming and play solos and fills, and I hit the cymbals. I smash them with my sticks, and I do it as Uncle Jessie for the fans of the fucking show that I made happen.

TROY: I'm sorry bud. I'm sorry. Can we talk about more about the remake...? 

I had to cool my jets, and so did John. We talked sports a bit, and said hello to some ladies who came over to get his autograph [and mine]. I realized that he wasn't quite the same man who struggled against his Fathers desire for him to become a Plumber, or his mother who told him he was 'worthless' in Season 4. He was just John, just Uncle Jessie. He defined what a Ripper was is and will be for many generations. We ordered Lattes and started talking again about the pilot.

PART 2 :

We got back, we got calm. John told me he learned a technique during his stay in Tibet. He sat there , and just listened, he breathed his oxygen and then exhaled his worries. Full House was more than a show to him, it was a way of life, THE way of life. As one of the most well respected actors of this generation, it was a fine line that seperated Stamos from Tom Cruise or Paul Newman. All three had incredible acting chops and have been coveted for high profile film roles. Uncle Jessie saw, in Full House, a vehicle toward the ultimate reconstruction of society in a new light. 

TROY: Tell me of the others, what happened to them?

JOHN: Well. I wanted to please the fans, and bring some of the more obscure characters into the mix. The opening scene features Kimmy Gibler in jail, for prostitution. She drags on a cigarette and looks at the camera.

TROY: Breaking the fourth wall? I've done it. 

JOHN: Yes, very Avante' Garde. This isn't your fathers Full House. I knew back then that the audience that loved Full House, that made it a hit, had a deep wanting for eurocentric art film sensibilities, and deep complicated scared personalities. Gibler, we learn, was a prostitute, but she only did it because of father issues. Thats when we re-introduce Bobs character...

TROY: Interesting, but risky?

JOHN: Yeah, but not really. Bob's character was fired as the head of the Wake Up San Francisco show and he was replaced by a younger, more able minded reporter. His OWN DAUGHTER. Thats right, this causes a huge rift in the family that threatens the entire sanctity of the future. 

TROY: What about my good friend David, what of Joey Gladstone?

JOHN: Ah. Yes, Mr.Gladstone. David's a good guy, I guess. Well, I talked to him the other day, and he told me he wanted to do something really amazing, something straight out of the silent era. He wanted to portray Charlie Chaplin with a style that others could not reach. I mean, Robert Downey Jr is okay, but he can't touch what David can do, just from a vaudvillian point of view. 

TROY: What, I can just imagine. Will he be dressed like Charles Chaplin, or will he be in a guise? He is so good at other things too, like portraying Popeye. God, that is one of my favorite impersonations.

JOHN: He does a bang up Bullwinkle too, and we've got that in the script! The middle somewhere, when Uncle Jessie is being summoned from Tibet, and the girls [Mary Kate & Ashley] are trying to find their way to the reunion, David comes out dressed as the moose and just starts riffing. I told him "do your thing, bro" and he did.

TROY: I have to say, that really does something for my loins. 

JOHN: Well, there is more to that story, Troy. I think David wanted to try and get more control, more minutes in the film. You wouldn't believe what they asked for, what was on his rider. He wanted so much. I mean, he was okay back then, they asked him to host Americas Funniest People because Bob pretty much wanted to take me out of the picture. I was so much more attractive than them both, there was jealously for sure....and rage.

[PART III COMING SOON]

Through the looking glass....

My phone rang, I looked at Caller-ID and it said "AXEL" I was so scared.

What would he say? My hands sweat...

Would he be nice? Would he make a joke like "hey buddy, lets make a song...NOT"

Would be scream, berate me, hurt me so deeply like he has done so many times in the past. 

Would he celebrate me? Would he show sorrow and upset, would he be ultimately disappointed in himself for not including our track on China Democrats? 

Well, WOULD HE?

Thats right, I'm breaking the fourth wall today. I'm talking to YOU the reader. Yes, you drinking coffee -- I see you. Thats right, you....girl, looking at the monitor. Weird? I may have just described you, thats because I have officially broken through the fourth wall. 

Maybe Axel wants to pat me on the back and talk about collaborating on a new venture, something that would showcase what I do, my skill set. Axel is probably thinking he is so upset that me and DA SLASH refused to record on his album because he said we sucked, he was SO wrong. 

Right? Right, you in the GREEN shirt looking toward the monitor and wishing you could get with me. I cup my ear to hear the construction worker in the back, looking at this blog via his blackberry storm, he is taking a moment away to read this. Thank you worker! Thank you!!

SO. Axel. I stand here not alone, but with the entire BLOGOSPHERE behind me. We stand united against the horrible treatment you put on to me, and the way you stopped our collaboration, OUR version of GnR from kicking butt and taking names. 

Et Tu' Brute?

Axel continues to hurt...

Friends,

Today I received something pretty weird. I got a package in the snail mail that was wrapped in vines, paper towels and tears. I opened it slowly as I watched the rain tap tap tap on the window outside. It was cold, a cold November. Axel was on my mind. Not because he's good, but because he's good at being a dick to me. Nostrodomus once said that California would soon break off and form an island. I don't disagree, but I wish it would happen soon. I know Axel lives in LA and he would pretty much be FUCKED stuck on that island, while I would find the remaining members of GnR and form a much more, kick ass version of them. It's more than a dream assholes, it's a reality.

ME on Vocals and Small Cymbals

Slasher on Guitar [YEA!]

Joey Gladstone on Comedy -- yes! I don't follow the rules of music. My band will rock hard, then Joey Gladstone will do a Popeye impression that will make you all shit your pants, then we will play the hardest version of the entire Spaghetti Incident? CD which will make you shit yourselfs again, but harder.

Duffy On Guitar and attitude.

DJ Bart Simpson on turntables. YES!

We will play our first date on the new beach front property in the dunes. What would you do if it happened? Would you be happy or sad? If I was you, and I was looking back at myself as if in another world, I would be so happy. I would say 'forgoe downloads' and I would buy our album on LP or CD. What would you do when a clown turned your frown into a smile? You would accept it, thats what.

Axel hurts me more...

Well friends, it's finally out. After years, no, decades of waiting -- Axel has finally decided to release his song China Democracy into the realm of 'reality'. Some of my long time fans might remember a bit of a fight I had with Axel a year or so ago. The fight was talked about on Axis Hollywood and other shows. I am really pissed inside because of course, Axeler decided to not put our collaboration on the disc. The dick told me he would, he told me in confidence behind closed doors. We spoke about it and we made an agreement. I don't understand -- is this the guy who wrote Welcome to Jungle? Has he forgot all that he stood for?

I decided to get some help. I called up Slasher and Duffy [who is now a girl, post op, but still rocks and jamz hard with both my band and the one with the guy from the Stone Pilots]. Me and Slasher sat down over a cup of joe and had a real, serious, heart to heart. I told him about the work I did with Axel and he told me how Axel wanted to be more like me. According to Slasher, he said that Axel wanted to mold himself 'in my voice' as far as music goes, and take the lyrics I wrote and turn them into the next hit! This is why China Democrats took so long to come out. Look, no offense Axel, but you used to have Slasher and Duffy and now you have Mr.Bucket and the guy from the Rembrants? I mean, come-on. Why don't you do a cover of the "Friends" theme ya dick.

It gets me heated inside and it hurts me too. Tears aren't meant to cause such pain as they streak down your check. Cold November Rain down my face as I think of you Axel, and what you did to me and my song....our song.

My audition went bad...

I am pretty sad right now. I had a BIG TIME audition today. There is a slamming local commercial in which I would absolutely love to star. It's a local savings and loan company. I got the call this morning around 9:00am, and my agent told me that I should start thinking seriously about a morning gym call. I wasn't so sure. I am humble, I am modest. I went on to take some photoshots of my face at extreme close range, I then took a video tape of myself reading the lines and watched it over and over on my video player. The sides, which I arrived via fax machine at 10:03am had my character walking through the background, turning to Mr.Leslie Neilson [star of the commericals] and saying "Sir, would you like fries with that shake?". I wasn't sure the context, it had a feeling of subversion to it which actually tickled my fancy a tad. Anyway, I read the lines over and over and over, and I refused to fucking blink. I watcehd myself in the mirror, and I watched my eyelids, and I forbid them to move and make me weak. I took a bath, then off I was. So jittery, was I. Nerves had taken control, thats for sure. I arrived around 12:05pm, and I was so ready for this. Iwas wondering if Mr.Neilson would be there to read opposite me. He had a gag in the commerical where he looked at the camera and a fart sound occured. It read really funny, and I hoped I would be able to maintain my deadpan [I would be the 'straight man].

I entered the room and the casting director stared at me. He obviously was jealous, but I made a big mistake. I wore a tight western shirt with silvery threads and my favorite pair of cut off dungarees. I looked pretty good, and I could see he was jealous of that. So, I took a loss to begin. I eventually got a chance to read, and I messed up. I was so nervous. I kept thinking 'What if Leslie Neilson comes into the room with the fart gadget? Will I be able to not laugh? NO WAY". They stared at me, and I was standing there in a room. This would have been a big break for me, now that I'm in between gigs and wanting to expand my horizons. Could you imagine what you could do with a resume that incldues an acting gig opposite Mr.Leslie Neilson? In 2009 thats like liquid gold.

I was so nervous that I started crying, and I really made a fool of myself. They told me I did a "good job..." then asked that I leave. I don't think they meant 'good job' at all. I think they just told me that. Fine, I thought to myself "fine, just fine...but, someday I'll show them...I'll show them all" I walked back to my home and made dinner for my cardboard replica of my beloved Sharon. We had TV Dinners and Punch. As the night went on, I couldn't help but think of the words 'good job' and the fact that it didn't mean anything.

Oh well, fuck me I guess. Fuck me...

Video Blog : Sharon #1

Video Blog : The Ball

"I laugh, so I don't cry" from Vanity Fair

"Douth thou fancy a cig?" the paper was wrinkled like a prune in his wrinkled old hands. "Not me, no" said the man with a face like a prune, wrinkled. "Troy" looked toward the prune-like man and smiled "Well, you don't say..."

-- from Untitled by 'Troy'

EXCERPT FROM VANITY FAIR:

Troy was curious. His rouded hair looked artificial, but he swears it is his own. His eyes are glassy, translucent, and empty. He smiles like a mad-man one moment, and breaks into utter sorrow the next. He is man, he is more than man. This would be god stands before me in his tank top, short shorts and ratty cover-all; if he is a prophet of love, I'm ready to learn from him.

"I am man of renissance day" said Troy, looking up from a cup of tea.
"Would you fancy a smoke?" he murmured with a faux-english accent. I wasn't interested in a smoke, I had quit two years ago and it was a bear. "I smoke these...hand rolled cigarellos, but they are't filled with tabacoo...they are filled with 'bacco". Do you like writing? I do. Sometimes, when I'm working long hours on the set of my opus [think There will be Blood, but with better performances] I write on my novel. Yes, I am also a novel writer. I've always been told that my words cut through daily life like a knife cutting through hot butter. Poetic? Yes, indeed. That is my 'thing' my bag is poetry, but in word form. Many poets talk on the street, or in coffee shoppes. I do my talking on the typewriter, making words that MATTER and spreading my verbal wings like a dove waiting take-off from the pearly gates of omicron.

Actor, photographer, writer and philosopher? Troy, do you see the world in shades of black and white like most people do? Ney, I don't. I think the world is shades of grey, shades of purples and soft pinks. I think the world is....well, the world just IS. Just Is.... He was confident, trailing off on his 1960s era typewriter which he calls his 'time machine to thy past'. "Blogging is the way of the future. I blog therfore, I am. John Shakespeare said it best "To Blog is to be, to be is to blog"

[TO BE CONTINUED]

Why I turned down the Fraizer Movie...

I posted recently about the desire of producers to cast me as brother 'Niles Crane' in a big-budget 'Dark Knight' style revamp of the beloved TV sitcom Fraizer. I was very excited by this potential opportunity. I flew to Broadway, NY to view some plays that David Hyde Pierce was performing in. I craved an understand of the man that television could not nourish. If I were to play this man, I needed to understand him from the inside out. I paused, waited for the re-write and watched the world go crazy for a new political figure on the scene called simply 'Joe The Plumber'. He changed the game, and I hoped to do the same for Dr.Crane.

I read the script while jetting, and I realized that the entire affair was just too dark for my tastes. Yes, the undertones of the series left my spine a titter -- but, this script was much too dark and very hanibal-lecture-ish. The opening scene had a naked Dr.Fraizer Crane atop the Seatle Space Needle broadcasting his last show. He spoke in a Shakepspearion rage and delivered a mono log that turned me off :

"DEAREST SEATTLE. BY THE TIME YOU HEAR THESE WORDS, I WILL BE DEAD. I HAVE JUST FEAST ON THE FLESH OF MY FRIENDS. MY FATHER ATTEMPTING TO ARREST ME, SO SORRY DEAR FATHER....CRANE HAS GONE INSANE, SEATTLE. PUT THAT ON YOUR BUMPER STICKERS AND MUGS. ROZ, MY DEAR ROZ. IF ONLY I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU FROM DESPAIR. YOU DID MAKE QUITE THE AMOUCHE BOUCHE FOR MY MEAL OF A ONE DAPHNE CRANE AND MY SAD LITTLE BROTHER NILES, WHO MADE A TASTY APPETIZER...."

You see? I watched the entire show, and I know this to be true. Niles should have been the one to go insane, and I tried to explain this to the 'writer'. Alas, there are better things awaiting me in the wings. If I studied David Hyde Pearce, let it not be for not. Hollywood, can you hear me?

Acting is my bag.

"What Til They Get A Load Of Me" -- Jack said it best in Batman [1989]. What face to you presnt to the world? Are you a happy go lucky kind of fellow, or are you deep, dark and mysterious? Me -- I couldn't decide. When I was child younger, I learned that I could be both. In fact, I could also be a lady, a tiny alien being and a hobo! I could do anything -- yes, on stage, I could be anything. Acting, yes, acting is my bag. To me acting is a way for the soul to communicate with the eyes and ears of the world. I think growing up, I used to pretend like I was the dad from 8 Is Enough, I wanted to act like him, act how he talked, act how he walked. I knew, even watching a show like 8 is enough, I knew what I needed to be doing...

I went into Photography soon after, and I found that my eye and the eye of a camera are similar. Think about it : they both have an iris and shutter, and they both have auto focus -- I put a UV filter on my camera lens, and a pair of glasses over my eye lens. It seems like such an easy thing to notice, but I think I'm the only one to really see it for what it is. I use my camera like many people use their checkbooks or pens and papers, they use theirs to be part of society, and I use mine to document part of society. I imagine finding a subject as interesting as myself, somewhere on a stage, perhaps in Englands or on the Circle theater of Shakespear -- giving the performance of his life, speaking the lines of Othello or Hamlet, with power. I would photograph myself in such a way that the power of the performance resonated with YOU the audience.

Act to live, live to Snap. Thats the way I live.

I'm not 'Hyding' from the fact they want me.

"Dr.Niles Crane to you, stupids. Thats right. I called you stupid, stupid" This is a line of dialog I wrote for Dr.Niles Crane in my novelization of the show that I wrote on the internet in late 1999. The story was called "Dr.Niles Crane In Your Brain" and was about Niles taking the reigns of Dr.Frazier Cranes 'little radio show'. 

It's quite ironic then, that I, now a working actor -- have been asked to....well, read along.

Variety is reporting that the 'Batman Begins' style reboot of the Frazier show is headed to the big screen, currently being helmed by McG.  The film  will be exploding onto the scene Summer of 2010. It's not an action flic, but the duo promise it will be 'darker and more in tune with the original few seasons'.  A recent posting on the WikiArchives indicated that a one Kelsey Grammer, who will be a consulting Producer will NOT be playing himself in the film! OMG!! Why? Thats what I said, I asked myself so many times why not?  Grammer, who portrayed 'Cliff' on Cheers before taking his character to his own show feels that the physical demands for the character are too intense, Producers are hoping to nab a teen hunk for the role; The Jonas or High School Musical star, preferably.

So, fans -- many of you are prob sweating bullets right now wondering how all of this relates to lil' ol me. Well, it does. I hope. A friend of mine who is friends with an agent at one of the big houses out here said a little birdy told him that they are looking to cast something 'unique' as Dr.Cranes brother Niles Crane -- yea, thats right -- THEY HAVE THEIR SITES SET ON ME! They want someone explosive on the internet, and explosive in the hearts, minds and souls of the dramatic edge! 

I have ALWAYS luved the way original NILES David Hyde Pierce portrayed the rugged Niles Crane. He had a mix of subtle masculinity, despite what the haterz said. I wish to look at tapes of the show and study his work, then do it better for the film.

So, what other JUICY TIDBITS can I disclose? Well.....heheh ROTFL. I have one...imagine Dr.Crane, Niles, Daphney and ROZ -- but as teens in the grunge era? Say it ain't so? OMG it is SO.

More as soon as I find out!!! :)

Incredible Hulk! Incredible SPOILERS!!!!

I just received this spoiler-filled report from one of our spys out in the field. According to the moles over at Wiki, there are some major events going down in the hulk that are truly incredible!!!

IF YOU POST THIS, CALL ME 'INCREDIBLE SPOILER MAN 2009311 DARTH VADER'. I JUST SAWS A SCREENING OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK MOVIE IN LAGUNA BEACH, CALIFORNIA. I WAS THERE BECAUSE A FRIEND OF MINE LIVES THERE AND INVITED US TO COME AND VISIT HIS HOUSE. IT'S LIKE THE SHOWS AND TV HERE, BUT WITH MORE HOBOS AND LESS GIRLS. WELL, I'M SURE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MY REVIEW OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK, OR THE GREEN MONSTER FROM GAMMA VILLE AS I CALL HIM. HEHEH LOL. BE PREPARED FOR SOME MAJOR UNDOING FROM ANGUS LEES ORIGINAL MOVIE FROM A FEW YEARS BACK. IN FIRST SCENE THE, ED NORTON AS BRUCE BANNER IS IN A BATHROOM IN BRAZIL. HE IS TAKING A LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SOMEONE WANTS TO GET IN, THEY ARE POUNDING THE DOOR HARD. HE SAYS 'NO, LEAVE ME ALONE IN HERE, I JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE'. THEN THE GUY KEEPS BANGING AND BANGING HE SAYS 'I WANT TO USE THE TOILET'. ANYWAY, ED NORTON IS GOOD IN THIS SCENE AS HE GETS REALLY MAD AND THEN HIS EYES TURN GREEN [A FORSHADOW TO HIM TURNING GREEN ALL OVER, INCLUDING HIS BALLS / PRESUMABLY, NOT ON SCREEN DUE TO MPAA RESTRICTIONS]. WELL ED NORTON TURNS INTO THE HULK, BUT IT'S A DIFFERENT ACTOR PLAYING THE HULK -- HE IS BIGGER THAN ED NORTON AND MORE STRONGER.

THE RUMORS ARE TRUE IRON MAN APPEARS IN THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST PART, WHEN SAMUEL JACKSON COMES IN DRESSED AS A CHARACTER WHO IS 'BAD ASS' A DEPARTURE, HE SAYS 'THE HULK, WHAT DO YOU KNOW' AND IRONED MAN SAYS 'I KNOW THAT HE'S GREEN' THE CROWD LAUGHED AND I LAUGHED SO HARD, BECAUSE HE WAS SO LITERAL.

WELL, THE HULK IS DATING LIV TYLER HERE AND SHE IS HIS GIRLFRIEND. I BET SHE LIKES TO 'DO IT' WHEN HE IS HULK BECAUSE HE IS GREEN AND TALLER, AND YOU KNOW...HEHEH /THIS WAS ALSO OFF SCREEN BECAUSE OF MPAA RESTRICTIONS.

THEN THE ABOMINATION CAME AND FOUGHT HULK, HULK WAS PRETTY MUCH MAD WHENEVER HE NEEDED TO FIGHT, SO THE ACTION SCENES KICKED ASS. IT REMINDED ME OF THE OLD TV SHOW. THE BIGGEST SPOILER, AT THE END HULK IS RUNNING AWAY FROM PEOPLE AND HE IS SAD, THEN HE TURNS BACK TO BANNER AND THEN HE KEEPS RUNNING BUT WITH RIPPED CLOTHES. THEN THE CAMERA PANS INTO HIS FACE AND HE LOOKS UP AND HE HAS ONE TEAR, BUT THE TEAR IS GREEN. COOL!

Oh my god!! That sounds awesome!!! YOU GO!

'Troy'

TLOTH CLIP: Amazing scene, One take -- Orson Welles, Touch of Evil!

Dearest Friends. I have decided to start posting clips from the filming of my epic movie 'Troy Lessons Of The Heart". These clips are representative of the virus marketing and should be enjoyed by all people involved. We have recently set our sights on some A list actors to fill out this movie, which has been compared by Variety to 'Citizen Kane meets King Kong' the Pete Jackson version, of course.

In this clip - Mister Nurse and Troy are going toe to toe. It's classic Auburn + Tracy, it's a moment where two actors are just bleeding their talent into the scene. It's not over the top, it's refined. My work here [Troy] is subtle, yet full of subtext -- could you imagine the impact this would have on the young actors and actresses of the day?

Working in a strike enviroment, three friends on a beach.

"How do you do it" they ask -- the papparatzo as they comb the set of my already filming epic in the streets of San Carlo. "How do you do it, monsieur?" says a french journalist smoking a cig. I look to the crowd of street urchins, flickering their flashes and smile "I do it for the people".

Like any good man, I stand up when need by, yo. Listen, I told my writing staff that I would pay them to continue to re-write my lines. The initial script is terrible, and I don't feel it sounds 'like me'. So, if I could choose -- I would say an embargo on 're-writers' is necessary.

How would this work? Not unlike a deal struck by David Letterman and his World Wide Pants consortium, I would negotiate directly with the WGA to find a way to secure a deal that would allow this epic to finish, to proceed and blossom like sex on a beach covered with salt and sand. Hollywood NEEDS this, they need Troy. How can anyone argue? I recently sat down with some of my favorite people Actress Hillary Swank and comedian Dave Coulier. We sat down, sipping mimosas and looking at the beauty that is mothers nature. I told Dave that he should join me in my fight, join my fight...he looked at me and said (in the voice of fictional cartoon sailor, Popeyes) "Argh, Matey, ak ak ak ak ah" it was so funny -- Swank laughed and a stream of mimosa/mucus burst forth from her nose, causing me to vomit my mimosa and laugh. Dave LOVES doing that.

We sat down some more, and looked at what mothers nature had created -- the skys, the clouds, I looked at my pants : I thought, 'every fiber of this was created by her, mothers nature'. I said it out loud...I didn't even realize, but I said it out loud. At first, Swank looked at me and she kind of gave me a dirty eye, I felt naked and raw. I felt so bad about myself. I looked to Dave, and he had his shirt off and was punching himself in the tit extremely hard -- his cheast was red. He was making a joke, a joke in light of me. Swank looked me in the eye with a trinkle of sorrow, and she said 'mother nautre is in all of us' . We kind of wept, and cried, and Dave and me kissed for the first time -- he kissed me in the voice of Bullwinkle, and then the Jackalope made a visit.

That night, the three of us wound up in bed together....a bed made of wood, and sheets made of cotton; Mothers Nature would be proud.

Signed, 'Troy'

WGA STRIKE NEWS - Carson Daily All That?

What up y'all. It's known that Carson Daily, aka Mr.Day is in the house in more ways than one. According to the new WIKI entry, Daily is going to explode his hilarious comedy across the united states soon, going against orders from the WGA high counsel and doing 'his own damn thing'.

I feel this will strike a mighty punch to the WGA, as Daily is regarded as one of the most talented, hilarious, and witty writers/performers around right now. It's like saying that Michael Jordan is going to be the only player in the NBA. Daily, known for being the most important piece of the lucrative MTV empire in the 90s has been dominating late night TV for the last several years. According to Reuters, Daily will soon replace Conan AND eventually land a prime time slot that will allow him to stretch out Variety show style across several hours.

WWCDD Bumper stickers are the new hot thing, and many HOT TOPICS stores are selling shirts featuring a vintage, circa 1999 image of Carson with some paint splatters. One photoshop blogger has managed to photoshop an EMO haircut onto Carson, and he looks fab! The shirt, titled 'CARSON EMO DAILY' can be found exclusively at Fred Segals in West Hollywood for $150.00 with all proceeds going to the WGA Warriors Fund.

Unsexy? SJP? SAY WHAAA?

SJP SEYZ: ALL THIS NONSENSE IS MAKING
MY DOME ACHE.

The world has come to new levels of low, all of you all. Listen up. We all know that one of the most important, sensual, french dipped straight eight honies on the planet is the luxurious lass know as SARAH JESSICA 'AKA CARRIE' PARKER. She rocked it with FAB AZZ style all up on the SEX AND THE CITY joint for years, making men ACHE and women DROOL with her fab style that took convention AND FUCKED IT UP THE A--. Thats right, like Frank Sinatro she did it 'her ways' and she did it good, real good.

So a magazine called MAXIMUM named her on there top UNSEXY LIST. I don't understand....SJP, UNSEXY? Thats like saying 'my thing' is not satisfactory, y'all. A mister nomer for sure. Another Mister Nomer is the idea that SJP should even apper on a list, when she is G-O-D and everyone else on the list is D-O-G.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER POWER LIFTS A HOMELESS MAN OUT OF
A GUTTER IN FRANCE. WITH ZERO PERCENT BODY FAT, SHE CAN
PRETTY MUCH DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS -- INCLUDING
HER OWN DAMN THING....

Look, I can see why you would put her on your list...first of all, shes a woman and she knows whats up when it comes to dating situations. Part of me belives that CHRIS NOTH aka MISTA BIG was behind this, because he didn't want his girl to be TAKEN AWAY from him. It's PUBLIC FUCKING KNOWLEDGE ASS HOLES that SJP and Chris Noth are truly getting it together behind the scenes, and when I mean getting it together I mean straight up BRUNCH AT GORDON RAMSEYS RESTURANTS, THATS CLASSY SHIT. Some of my so called friends have said that there is someone other than SJP that is sexy, but I tell them nay -- I tell them to watch the SITC box set, and try not to finish right there. I remember when Carrie went on a date, and she GIGGLED it was so fun -- she giggled so hard when the fella made a joke. Sensuality is the circulatory system being fully visable from OUTSIDE THE SKIN, FUCK FAT!!! SJP brings it -- shes a walking greys anatomy book, PLUS she goes for her in a dance capacity. SHES A SHADY LADY THAT I WANNA GET WITH FOR SURE!! ANYTIME, GIVE ME A CALL SJP!!! FUCK SHARON, I'M MAD AT HER.

MORE SEXY CITY NEWS!!!

HI, I GOT THIS HOT REPORT FROM SOMEONE NAMED 'SCREENACTORZGILDE-200' regarding the SITC:M.


HI TROY. I LOVE YOUR BLOG. IF YOU USE THIS, CALL ME 'SCREENACTORZGILDE-200' THANX. WELL, I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WORKS IN THE OFFICES IN NEW YORK, THE ONES WHERE THEY ARE STAGING THE NY SCENES OF SEX IN THE CITY. A FRIEND TOLD ME THAT PHIL TIPPET IS BEING FLOWN IN TO PRODUCE THE ANIMATRONIC SEQUENCE WHEREIN KIM CATRAL MORPHS INTO FIRST A KITTEN (FIRST HALF OF THE FILM) THEN A LEOPARD! YES, TIPPET IS A MASTER OF THE MORPHING PROCEDURE HAVING PERFECTED IT ON THE AMAZING SNOOP DOG 'DOGGYSTYLE' VIDEO. THEY HOPE TO CAPITALIZE ON THE NEW COUGAR TREND, AND KIM WILL 'GO FOR HERS' IN THE MOVIE. THE FINAL SCENE, SHE WILL BE HALF WOMAN, HALF COUGAR MAN. IT'S GOING TO BE COOL! THINK PANS LABRNYTH MEETS THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK MEETS OH MY GAWD, SEX IN DA CITY.

i HAVE NO IDEA IF THIS IS TRUE OR NOT, but i hope so. please god!!!!!

sIGNED, 'tROY'

Sex In The City Movie News! SCRIPT REPORT!

Hi friends. Well, I got my hand on some more pages of shooting script from a good associate who goes by the name of MANHATTENSFINEST-001 . He/She is a PA on the set, and he has some juicy azz gossip for all of you all players and people out in there. Well, I don't want to reveal who this person is, but I will tell you that he/she was privy to some GREEN SCREEN shots of a one MISS KIM CAT-RAL yes, I emphasized CAT because of the HARD HITTING sequence in the SITC movie wherein she MORPHS into a cat. I'm so sexed up thinking about it, and I know you are too, sick fucking perverts.

So, anyways -- check it out, as I established, she has a rigorous STD that cannot be diagnosed in the film, and she is still dating that Calvin Klein dude, who is going to have a mustache in the flick (Tres Retro!!!). In this sequence, Carrie is having a date with a male suitor who she is dating to make MISTA BIGG jealous, as he will not marry her. She has on a white tumbled cotton frock, orange halter style Gautier' shenswa, orange make up, and a clown hat/purse, she looks fab and knows it. She has worked out really hard, so she has 0% body fat which looks good on her face especially (not in the script notes). Anyway, our girl Carrie is walking down the street and has some TOP NOTCH dialog to boot:

CARRIE: Oh, wow [looking at city lights] and burrrr...I'mmm coolllld! [tittering]

MALE: Yeah? So -- why don't you wear a jacket next time.

CARRIE: Well, a real gentleman would offer---

MALE (cutting her off): would offer you this...?

THE MAN MOTIONS TO A FAB MINK COAT WHICH IS HANGING OFF A HOMELESS PERSONS NECK.

MALE: See they -DO- have a purpose Carrie.

The two laugh as Carrie grabs the coat from the homeless person. She puts it on, and smiles. She does LOOK AB FAB!

MALE: This is what it would be like...to be....with me.

The two share a moment.

SUDDENLY A helicopter is heard overhead, and a man is DROPPING DOWN from a rope. He drops directly between them MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE.

MISTER BIG: Did someone say 'be with me'? [TO MALE] Well, I wouldn't be with you if you were the last person on earth --

CARRIE: AWE! BIGG. Argh! Harumph! Always in the wrong place at the wrong time!

Male looks to Bigg in astonishment -- he feels like he's staring at a statue of jesus himself!
Bigg looks at Carrie and the two lock eyes.

MISTER BIG: you see Kid, me and you -- we goin places. To the moon!

BIG motions up and his helicopter drops another rope...the two asend toward the moonlight.


OH MY GOD!! THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS. I HOPE SOMEHOW THEY CAN WORK UGLY BETTY INTO THIS!!!

Peace, 'Troy'