My Teaser, Thongs, and More.

Okay y'all this is it. I was talking to some of my friends the other day. I of course, was sitting in a make-up chair. I have a team of people who 'do me', my make-up. Not the way a gal does her make-up persay, but I do mine in a more manly fashion. For example, I cover up my blemishes with a little product called Tan Colored (or Coloured in the UK) Clearasil. It's awesome! So, I'm waiting around, watching dailys for my film. I mean, I set out to finna tell a tale of my life, the entire story. I was saying Epic, I meant big, like if you shot with panoram film, with gels, and using sound tape, and using different lens filters like skylight or haze, I mean films and then made 3d animations of my life. I looked at the dailys and they looked a little, not so good. I mean, I'm all about film, Nikon F2 is my weapon of choice. Occasionally, I use scrims. C-Stands are THA shit. So, I spoke to my director, who shot my story on video, or as I like to say Videoze, as in Video + Doze, as in sleep. Because, I think it's lame. Dog, listen, If I had my druthers I woulda shot the entire movie on my F2, cost de damned. Fuck cost. Think about the way you seize the day, in some cultures, like Hindu, they often say Carpe Diem, and it roughly translates into 'The Day Is Seized'. Well, more importantly, we need to talk about sex, ladies, and Valentines. According to Websters, Love is all of that, and I agree. I recently discovered that you can sell thong panties of anything on-line, with a little elbow grease and a grit. It makes me angry when I see what marketing is doing to me. I mean, they are putting my worst enemy Patric on ladies underpants, and expecting fools out there, all y'all who hella be all up in my blog readin' this in your cribs and what have you, to buy them as Valentines Day Gifts? I was thinking about the filming. I would have bought some film, 35mm, Fujichrome and shot the entire film, frame by frame, almost like stopped-motion animation. I then would have pushed the film 4 or 5 stops (if you don't understand this, maybe learn a little about CaMerAz, dogs) and printed it on glass. Thats me, I'm an artist. I think I came through, acting wise. I feel a little sad that it's not already out, with Oscar season upon us. Oh well, Carpe Diem, right?

It's all about the eyes.

Actors often lament about needing to 'see' inside each others minds, and that always reminded me of a 'mindreader'. It's not necessary. I knew that in order to tell the story of my life, I would have to take control of the part and be myself behind the lens. Who would they get to play me? I spent some time with the Producer crew, and they pitched me all kinds a crazy ideas because they tried to convince -me- that I couldn't do it, I couldn't act. I said 'how the hell can I not act and be myself at the same time?'. I am ME and I do it like I ought too. Here are some of the actors they wanted to play me, have a laugh at this y'all.

BEN STILLER

I knew that Stilla had the ability to play the deep layers of shade, intellect, and the touches of humor that I needed to reflect. I am the embodiment of a mutlilateral strucutre. Stilla is kinda tight, and I liked the movie where he played the guy who played ALF from TV. He was pretty good, and they tell me he would bring some box office cred, but why? The only box office I care a damn about is the box of vintage cameras in my office, get it?

DAVE COULIER

Best known as Joey 'Glad' Gladstone on the show Full House, Coulier, who is a fan of my photography, asked me if he could step into the role. I liked the depth he could bring, and I knew he could do some voices that would show the pain I went through. This story about my life is important, and I knew someone who could do a bangin ass Popeye voice may be the type of actor who could bring out the voice of my soul. Ultimatly, it was hell hard to figure this one out. I stayed up all night with a bottle of Abstheine drinking and thinking -- and crying. It was sad, hard choice. I'm me, and thats all that matters. Thats why I knew I could do it, you gotta have that inside you. Back in my neighborhood, we called that 'confidence'.

ADRIAN BRODY

It's all about the OSCAR today, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. When I wrote the story, in multiple chapters, I knew that my life was something that could pass the test of time. I have a philosophy, and if you know my work -- you probably have this posted on ya wall somewhere. It's called the 'Life Equasion' Black + White = Life. That refers to EMULSION BASED photography, a little thing called film -- Tri-X, T-Max, you heard? Life is like a Lens, and my story IS like the film recording the greatest moments. Producers like 'yo, if this shit is on the Oscar tip -- lets get us Oscar man' I said to them, 'King Kong' that shit was commercial as hell, that made money at the box - FUCK DOLLAS. Bordy could bring it maybe, I saw him in The Piano with Harvey Kietel, but nobody does it like I do it.

HILLARY SWANK

Some people in Hollywood and in life tell me that it's not socially correct to have a girl play a man on a film. I told them "if thats so, check out boyz don't cry -- go watch it. that guy on there, that boy -- it's a girl!" I said that WORD FOR WORD. After they went home, rented that shit, and watched it they came back to me, like -- "nah, that was a dude". I looked them straight in the face and said "IMDB.COM - RECOGNIZE THE REALITY". After they went home, logged into their computer, loaded Internet Explorer and went to IMDB.COM they came back to me and said 'whoa, thats deep" and I said -- "Whoa -- thats life..." My agent called Hillary to see if she would be interested, and since I think society needs a bit of a shake down -- I gave it my full blessing. I think it's ludacris to have another person portray me, so ultimatly it didn't work out -- but heres to you Hillary.