Axel hurts me more...

Well friends, it's finally out. After years, no, decades of waiting -- Axel has finally decided to release his song China Democracy into the realm of 'reality'. Some of my long time fans might remember a bit of a fight I had with Axel a year or so ago. The fight was talked about on Axis Hollywood and other shows. I am really pissed inside because of course, Axeler decided to not put our collaboration on the disc. The dick told me he would, he told me in confidence behind closed doors. We spoke about it and we made an agreement. I don't understand -- is this the guy who wrote Welcome to Jungle? Has he forgot all that he stood for?

I decided to get some help. I called up Slasher and Duffy [who is now a girl, post op, but still rocks and jamz hard with both my band and the one with the guy from the Stone Pilots]. Me and Slasher sat down over a cup of joe and had a real, serious, heart to heart. I told him about the work I did with Axel and he told me how Axel wanted to be more like me. According to Slasher, he said that Axel wanted to mold himself 'in my voice' as far as music goes, and take the lyrics I wrote and turn them into the next hit! This is why China Democrats took so long to come out. Look, no offense Axel, but you used to have Slasher and Duffy and now you have Mr.Bucket and the guy from the Rembrants? I mean, come-on. Why don't you do a cover of the "Friends" theme ya dick.

It gets me heated inside and it hurts me too. Tears aren't meant to cause such pain as they streak down your check. Cold November Rain down my face as I think of you Axel, and what you did to me and my song....our song.

My audition went bad...

I am pretty sad right now. I had a BIG TIME audition today. There is a slamming local commercial in which I would absolutely love to star. It's a local savings and loan company. I got the call this morning around 9:00am, and my agent told me that I should start thinking seriously about a morning gym call. I wasn't so sure. I am humble, I am modest. I went on to take some photoshots of my face at extreme close range, I then took a video tape of myself reading the lines and watched it over and over on my video player. The sides, which I arrived via fax machine at 10:03am had my character walking through the background, turning to Mr.Leslie Neilson [star of the commericals] and saying "Sir, would you like fries with that shake?". I wasn't sure the context, it had a feeling of subversion to it which actually tickled my fancy a tad. Anyway, I read the lines over and over and over, and I refused to fucking blink. I watcehd myself in the mirror, and I watched my eyelids, and I forbid them to move and make me weak. I took a bath, then off I was. So jittery, was I. Nerves had taken control, thats for sure. I arrived around 12:05pm, and I was so ready for this. Iwas wondering if Mr.Neilson would be there to read opposite me. He had a gag in the commerical where he looked at the camera and a fart sound occured. It read really funny, and I hoped I would be able to maintain my deadpan [I would be the 'straight man].

I entered the room and the casting director stared at me. He obviously was jealous, but I made a big mistake. I wore a tight western shirt with silvery threads and my favorite pair of cut off dungarees. I looked pretty good, and I could see he was jealous of that. So, I took a loss to begin. I eventually got a chance to read, and I messed up. I was so nervous. I kept thinking 'What if Leslie Neilson comes into the room with the fart gadget? Will I be able to not laugh? NO WAY". They stared at me, and I was standing there in a room. This would have been a big break for me, now that I'm in between gigs and wanting to expand my horizons. Could you imagine what you could do with a resume that incldues an acting gig opposite Mr.Leslie Neilson? In 2009 thats like liquid gold.

I was so nervous that I started crying, and I really made a fool of myself. They told me I did a "good job..." then asked that I leave. I don't think they meant 'good job' at all. I think they just told me that. Fine, I thought to myself "fine, just fine...but, someday I'll show them...I'll show them all" I walked back to my home and made dinner for my cardboard replica of my beloved Sharon. We had TV Dinners and Punch. As the night went on, I couldn't help but think of the words 'good job' and the fact that it didn't mean anything.

Oh well, fuck me I guess. Fuck me...

TLOTH CLIP: Amazing scene, One take -- Orson Welles, Touch of Evil!

Dearest Friends. I have decided to start posting clips from the filming of my epic movie 'Troy Lessons Of The Heart". These clips are representative of the virus marketing and should be enjoyed by all people involved. We have recently set our sights on some A list actors to fill out this movie, which has been compared by Variety to 'Citizen Kane meets King Kong' the Pete Jackson version, of course.

In this clip - Mister Nurse and Troy are going toe to toe. It's classic Auburn + Tracy, it's a moment where two actors are just bleeding their talent into the scene. It's not over the top, it's refined. My work here [Troy] is subtle, yet full of subtext -- could you imagine the impact this would have on the young actors and actresses of the day?

the new ipod is a dick.

well, well, well. It looks like the new ipod 'touch' is a bit of a self-centered dick head, fucking asshole, asswad. I bought it, and I touched it. I touched it for the entire night. I touched it with my hands, my toes, even my 'part' yeah, -the- part -- the main part.

I touched it with my part for hours. I used cover-flow with 'my part' and even tho 'my part' eventually got sore and a little rashey, I was able to select my favorite Macy Gray Jam and serious listen to it with MY SOUL. Thats right, I touched this thing all night, and you know what it did for me? NUTHIN FOOLS, absolutely nothing.

I thought to myself, what would be THE innovation that 'jobo' would unleash, the one thing that we have wanted since Brent Spinner brought the incomprable MISTA DATA to life? A sentient chip. I wanted this FUCKING THING to have some emotions. I touch it, I prod it, I play with its bits, and it DOES NOTHING FOR ME. It leaves me cold to the touch. Well, BFD you got COVER FLOW -- how about blood flow...to the heart. Think about that tomorrow, jerks.

SEX IN THE CITY THE MOVIE, MORE SPOILERS.

I was lunching at The Ivy Store eating lunch. A friend of mine, the same fellow who got me the SITC:TM script had some more dirt. I was like 'whoa, for real?' Anyway, he pulled out a script -- a new script, version 2. I was excited. There was more here.

First, some updates.

Noth is called 'Mista Big' by Samantha who starts to try and be more up-to-date. At one point Carrie calls Samantha 'Da Queen' and she keeps that moniker for half the film. Noth will definitely feature some meat, but more importantly, he has a new gig : publisher of the New York Times.

Mista Big will try and 'give carrie' a new job, writing a column about how being fab is out of date, the article will be called 'Sad In The City'. Has big become a heathen?

It's possible that Carrie will become the focal point for a man-off featuring her former loves, including Ron Livingston and the guy from My Big Fat Wedding. There is a cheeky scene which describes Carrie having a TB induced hallucination wherein she sees the men fighting for her like gladiators with laser guns. It's something that would have been too expensive to pull of on TV, but now it's on the big screen. The sequence might also feature cameos from other Carrie men.

Miranda is now President of 'Oil Corp NY'. She has just negotiated a deal that will net the company millions in dividends, but at what cost? The deal will allow 'Oil Corp' to dump toxic chemicals into Manhatten Water! Miranda is being portrayed as one who 'lost her way'. She is described as having 'all that, and a sense of style to boot' in the footnotes.

I see where this is going, the story is about redepmtion. How can four girls come back together and wave their fab flags? How indeed. I'm excited to get back to the script. More later, mon feinds yo.

'Troy'

MORE SEX IN THE CITY, MR.BIG, CHRIS NOTH IN FILM,?

Hi fans. So, I've been able to snatch a few more looks at the 'Sex In The City' movie script. It's all on the DL for y'all out there. If you've read my previous posts, you know things are all crazy in the Sex world. Many of you are e-mailing me desperate to know the status of Mr.Big aka Chris Noth in the film. YES, HE DOES APPEAR. I have confirmed this. I have also confirmed my second most important e-mail question, DOES HIS BEEF MAKE A CAMEO? Well, I think so.

See, for those of you who have the courage to watch Sex in the City, the show, which is this generations Woodstock, a revolutionary tale of power and sex in the city, a monster of counterculture throughout the 1990s. For those of you who have the 'ganas' to do so, you know the improtance of BIG aka Mista Noth up in the mix. Well, one of the clues, the pandoras box of the show was weather or not Mr.Big was called Mr.Big because of a heavy weighted cock and ball. Many have speculated, and many blogs and on-line resources are dedicated to it. See, the writers of SEX laid clues throughout all episodes, not unlike the Davinci Code.

In the script, there is a shot described as 'Rory's First Kiss' as a joke on the Dark Knight pseudonym. Well, this shot is a dolly pan of a 'taught peice of skin, with coarse hairs poking out'. This shot pulls back slowly to reavel 1/4 of a ballsack hanging from 'a fabulously silky pair of gucci breifs, brizo breifs' . It is my assumption that this shot SETS OFF THE FILMS SECOND ARC AND LEADS TO A REVEAL OF NOTHS MEMBER. I believe part of the suspense will be the mystery of Bigs nuts, balls, etc.

Well, I'm so tired, y'all. I filmed a sequence today where I had to fight a dear friend, and possibly lose one all in the same. Damn, this film is hell of sad, you all.

'Troy'

MORE SEX AND THE CITY SCRIPT SPOILERS!

Your boy 'Troy' here. More notes from the Sex and the City movie script I got a glimpse at. Well, Y'all wondering what happened to your gurl Samantha?

Well, When Carrie recovers from her horny dream, she realizes that lifes foibles are what defines 'us'. She sits at her APPLE G5 specially designed for the film, featuring a cutout of Carries face that glows, and 'narrates' a passage about how boyfriends are like cafe's in france: some are good, some aren't, but they are abundant! (awesome profound, too, propers).

She decides its time to get tha girls together. This scene WILL BE TRES CHIC. She calls up all the girls, and there is a four-way split screen, we get to see a glimpse of what tha ladiez have become, but let me jump to SAMANTHA, Y'ALL FAVORITE SEXXED UP SASS.

Samantha is in a hospital, suffering from a rare STD that can't be diagnosed. She is not alone, as her boytoy, the CK Model is all up in there with her, just strickly chilling and what have you. We see Doctors talking about how this STD is rare, and has no cure, and they are down on it. We get the vibe that she doesn't have long to live....Samantha overhears a DOC talking, and she turns to her boy and says 'you know what? If I don't, meow, have time to live -- then I'M GOING TO LIVE IT UP! mrowr..." She exclaims in a fabulous way (as always).


The next scene, Samantha is just getting dressed -- it's like the scene from BATMAN FOREVER when the BM gets dressed. She pulls on her panties, then her blouse, then her stunning Channel belt, then a skirt made of Possum firm and glue, finally a super fab clutch. THe audience stops, and she breaks the 'fourth wall' and says 'YOU KNEW I WAS FAB,,DIDNNNT YOU?'

The CK Model dude helps her escape by dressing up as a Doctor, and putting Sam on a hospital cart. There is a FUNNY AZZ scene wherein Samantha gets up, looking hot as always, and STOPS A OLD MANS HEART, HE DIES off screen.... funny, Anyway, The two get out, when MIRANDA makes her first appearance, riding a horse(expained later). Sam, CK Dude and Miranda ride off through Manhattan traffic -- this scene is described as 'Michael Bay-Esque'.

It's unclear what happens to Charlotte, except her character is described as being 'broke' and 'terminally sad'. It looks like one of the story arcs will be Carrie trying to re-invigorate her ladies brigade with a slew of analogies comparing relationships with other things. I think maybe Charlotte broke off with the bald dude, and now she is not happy, and basically a fucking loser. This was a contractual GUARANTEE BY the girls because Kirsten Davies has starred in several Tim Allen Disney movies, and that makes them FUCKIN' PISSED AT HER (jealous, mrowr.)

More Later. I've got ADR until 3:00am.

SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE SCRIPT, I'VE SEEN IT!

I'm on the set this week, filming against green screen for an upcoming promo. An associate dog on the set told me he had something for me. I wasn't sure at first, and wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be giving me his special assistant for life. I called a pal, and we met clandestine, yo. It was all good, I promise. A friend had given me a VHS copy of a show called Sex & The City, which was randy indeed. Very horney, I thought. I felt it was very counterculture, something like Kurt Vonegat or Dennis Leary the LCD person. If it's counterculture, I'm in like flynn. I watched this show, and I was charmed, yo, I'm surious.

It was very satisfactory, and I watched all seasons. I was so fuckin sad when it ended. It hurt.

Word around the film community was hot and heavy, erhm....yes Sex and The City was back on track, but this time as a feature film! I was so excited, but even more excited to meet up with my friend, and get a peek at the TOP SECRET SCRIPT.

Oh, I will give you a few teasers, but I promoise THERE WILL BE HELLAMORE Y'ALKLHURD?

It stars all the original girls: carrie, samantha, etc.

Mr.Big is featured heavily, and most importantly SO DOES HIS MEAT.

It's been rumored that Mr.Big got his name because he has a big peice of meat in his pants, and if this script turns out to be the final version, the audience will finally get to see it. The opening scene has Carrie getting a tattoo of Audry Hepburn on her lower back in a paris cafe', it might be a dream sequence or some such. She is wearing a pink poofy skirt, fishnets, red 80's style bopsie socks, 7' Manhlo PUMPS (ruby red, think dorothy!), a sweater vest, gold lame' shirt, and a super cute hat with 12' brim, matching poof ball and embroidered details. As she is getting the tat, someone mysterious enters the room : he's french, and very dreamy. We don't know what Carries status is at this point, but we do know she is fab!

The dreamy gent steps to her and says something like 'oui, are you famous Carrie, sex and city?" and she giggles, oh she giggles...it will feel so rewarding to hear that laugh again, that sweet laugh of Carrie.

Right as she is about to say yes, it turns out she can't talk, she has TB (think it's a dream) and apparently is quarantened, but still acting outside the law, as the rebel she portrayed for so many years.

Two medical officers (hotties, most likely, CK modelz) walk in and say 'you are under-arrest!! for being a foxxer!'

Well, I'm about to go back on set. I PROMISE Y'ALL I'LL BRING YOU MORE TOMORROW. HURD THAT?