First iPhone Review: Lacking features, not sensuality.

Well, Joboso just sent me one of the first production iPhone units. He obviously is trying to get with me, and get me on board with his anti-human thing. I understand what he saying, but yo, things aren't as easy as 1-2-3, pay me, pay me. I have something called moralz, and I stick to em' like glue, hurd?

So, I opened the box. I know all these people are out there, searching, preying for this thing. I know this is so important to people. I thought, fine -- let me check it out. I'm in my trailer, waiting, just waiting to step on set. I opened the box, and pulled out the phone.

First impression: Looks nice, I guess, if you like corporate crap that is totally cluttered. Where are the buttons? First -- where are they? What is this sposed to be, a TV set? I mean -- even a TV has buttons. Cheap, cheap ass shit. Whats next...no antenna? I KID YOU NOT, THERE IS NO ANTENNA ON THIS POS!

So, I'm thinking, how the hell am I going to use this clunker without buttons or an antenna? Laugh. I opened the manual, which Jobs wrote 'you're the best, enjoy this thing, call me with it and we can talk' then he put his numberos. I thought about him for a few, then read the manual. I think you're sposed to touch this screen. What is this the year 2000?

So, I finally get it working. Some of the features.

1.) Music Player, can play songs in a format called AAC or MP3, not sure what it means. I'm going to mod mine so it can accept compact discs (DUH) instead of FORMATS THAT NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF. Why didn't they just put an 8TRACK in this POS!?

2.) Phone. There ARE NO BUTTONS on here, so good luck getting anything to work easily. I just finished fully lotioning my body, so it's hard to use a touch screen. Did they think of that? 90% of the country lotions hourly, how are they expected to use this?

3.) Penis. My model has an extendable penis function. I found this by accident, and I was quite startled. The iPenis mode may have been just for me and I can't figure out what to do with it. I compared it to my own 'equipment', to no avail.

4.) Apple Insignia. The back of the phone has an apple insignia, which is NO SUPRISE at all. Why didn't they just put a picture of HUMANITY BEING CRUSHED BY ZOIDS because thats where this is all heading. Assholes.

5.) BBSing capability. This is cool, I looked at some of my boards via telnet, and it worked. I also logged into my Compuserv account. I don't get it, no AOL bundled? Thats going to cause lots of problems out there. I was hoping to check the weather and sports, but without AOL I was a little lost. I don't get the world today.

The thing is pretty sensual, if you ask me -- thats it's strongest point. I sat it down across from me, and I felt nervous. There was some energy there, I don't kid you. There was a sexual tension across the room. I didn't want to use it for calls, or for bbsing, or for anything-- I just wanted to make love to it. I started thinking about myself, and about this thing -- and I got hot and bothered, yo it was fab!!!

The next day, I'm thinking, I will take it out for some light dinner, then take it back to my trailer and ----- the SHIT out of it.

Can't wait, YUM!

Greatest Mysteries In Cinema...

When Orson Welles made his movie 'Citizen Cane' in the early forties, he put forward a challange to y'all making movies out there. He said [paraphrazed] "yo, movie makers, you need to have a mystery in your picture, you know what I'm sayin?". I remember those words. I sat outside, in the cold rain, and thought about it. You see, I had just seen 'Citizen Cane' on a pictoscope at the Reynolds Theater in Mesa, AZ. I wanted to thank Mr.Cane for the movie, which I felt was [a little long] but really fun. Since that day, those 'in the know' have pondered one little word : "Rosebuds". What does it mean? Perhaps, yo, you may have heard this in a joke? A pop-culture reference or some such thang....well, I'm here to tell you, like Cane told his fellow movie men that it has much signifigant.

I'm telling you this because I've got my own film, an undetaking that is mammoth, not unlike what Orson Cane did for his movie back in the yesteryear of filmmatics. I am telling a great mystery, and I am telling it with pizzazz, and gusto. So, what is 'Rosebuds' you ask? Well, when I watched 'Citizen Cane' I pondered many options....first, I figured it was a plant he used to have as a child, then I thought it might be something bigger -- like some ex-gal, or perhaps cleaning supplies. I realized that it was an analogory for the entire film! Rosebuds was a piece of wood that came from his childhood mantle where he slept [this is never fully explained in the film, you just see an old ass Cane sittin there with tears and shit, and he is holding this peice of wood with the word 'Rosebuds' written on it. Scholars argue, but I know, I know thats what it was]. It was a powerfull seen, but a mystery throughout y'all whole film. Don't sleep -- I know you want to see it now, dontcha?

Mysteries like this are 1 in 1 million, but I have put something together for my friends, fans, others. What exactly is MISTER NURSE and what importance does he have on my life? Is he a human, perhaps alien, other species? Does he fight me, or help me? Hug me or hit me? So many options, too little time! As they say in greek: 'Chu Chanto Muy Bien, Guapo' or 'Handsome times require Handsome challanges'.

Thats all y'all. Until next time, KIT.

'Troy'

I have a Krakken In My Pants.

I just finished doing ADR for episode 2, and I have to say, it's shaping up hella well. I did some research, and I spoke to our Directors and writers, and I wanted to bring reality to the HILT this time. I like to think of it like I think of sex, or cameras. I use my LENS and I TAKE PICTURES of things I like. If you replace the word lens with a naughty word like PETER things take on a whole new shape, a new shape indeed, yo.

This episode is about REBIRTH. What happens to a man like myself when a beautifull dove is ripped from my arms by a henious Jackyl-Lord? That man, that white haired devil...he thought he had the upper hand, but what of my own angel? If I am indeed a remaking of the holliest hella rad dogs, then what indeed protecteth mah?

But, things are not what they seem to be. Ask dicks out there, because I speak reality. Who is MISTER NURSE exactly? Did he help me, harm me, what else? Is he tall, is he dope, rad? Perhaps, dumb? What IS HE? Has there EVER been a greater mystery in cinema? This is why I'm an ART-I-TECH. I mine for art, I slave for art, art and me do it to it. What would you do if you saw me in the mirror instead of you, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Think about it, then holla back ya hurd?

Troy Vs. Jobo

Whats up 'Steve Jobo'. What is possibly the worst thing I could do to smite you? Yeah, I'm mad at you. See my last post, but for real -- Macintoshers are naming their computer systems after animals and food, and not PEOPLE. That is what happened in T2. I don't want a robot in my head, telling me WHAT TO DO and WHAT NOT TO DO. Thats why I have to make a statement. Even tho I utlize hella tight radicon eqiptment such as the Macer 10 and Quick Times Pro, I had to make a statement. Yes, I know you've contacted me and asked that I sign an exclusive contract to promote the new MacBook Pros, especially when I start press junkets in late 07, early 08 for the film-- but, I have to make a point, Jobo. I have to make a point...so, here it is. As Oscar Wild said 'To each his own, choose a mobile phone, a tailored suit, a luxury home..." Right now wizards at ILM are affixing the following tatty to my chest for Episode 2...

MY Keynote address.

Dear Steve 'Jobs',

My name is 'Troy'. I am both an auetuer, a dramatic actor, a thespian, a warrior, and a photag. I take pictures. I capture life. What do you do? Make Macs, apples, compus? I make life and develop it, you make life and complicate it. Have you ever seen those commercials that show Windows Computors and Macintosh computers, but represented as 'people' instead of machines? Thats calleld personification. It's the process in which a hard core mother fucker takes a non-living entity and personifies it, personifcation. Maybe you should -watch yo self- next time you make a keynote address.

Look, I will be the first to tell you, I don't know the first damn thang about the Apple Macin or the Windows Viewers. I do run PHOTOSHOPPE on my computer, but it's one I made out of an oatmeal box -- a pinhole computer if you will. I guess you made a 'keynote' speech this week. Well, I have a key, and it opens a lock to a place called 'AUTOMATION OF SOCIETY' yo, bad stuff indeed. Have you ever seen Soylent Green? A movie about how computers will soon turn heads into piles of food? Aren't you affraid? I look at your MacinBook and see doom, I see dread. Quite frankly, I see sorrow.

Leopard? How about LEOTARD because it stretches over your body and consumes it. It's like a leotard, and you're a leopard in sheeps clothes. A predator waiting to strike thine throat. Shakespear said it best 'Thy computer is not thine to own, not thine to drinketh from, upon thine lips speaketh thy apple, upon thy lips speakteth tho death..' That was 40 some odd years ago. Still rings true.

I want a MacinBook computer, mommy get it for me. Mommy, can I have a Macin Printer, a Macin cable, some Macin hamburgers, mommy? Oh, mommy please. Mommy? Can I have a MACIN CYBER CORE to control my thoughts. Whats that mommy? MY CYBERCORE wants me to only feel happy, it wants me to only do right...Mommy, I don't recognize you I AM NOW CYBERCORE.

Imagine, how something so simple can change into that nightmare I painted above. Heads sure are a listening, but are you speaking what they want to hear? I'm sick of assholes like you and Axel Rose. I hate you both. Jobs and Rose, two guys who don't understand what I need out of life.

Why not make a computer named after an inventor like Albert Einstein, Ron Popeil, Tucker? Why not make a computer named after a human, instead of an animal, instead of a fruit. The Mac Banana Fox. Thats a great name....asshole.

More on you later Jobo.

Signed, 'Troy'