First iPhone Review: Lacking features, not sensuality.

Well, Joboso just sent me one of the first production iPhone units. He obviously is trying to get with me, and get me on board with his anti-human thing. I understand what he saying, but yo, things aren't as easy as 1-2-3, pay me, pay me. I have something called moralz, and I stick to em' like glue, hurd?

So, I opened the box. I know all these people are out there, searching, preying for this thing. I know this is so important to people. I thought, fine -- let me check it out. I'm in my trailer, waiting, just waiting to step on set. I opened the box, and pulled out the phone.

First impression: Looks nice, I guess, if you like corporate crap that is totally cluttered. Where are the buttons? First -- where are they? What is this sposed to be, a TV set? I mean -- even a TV has buttons. Cheap, cheap ass shit. Whats next...no antenna? I KID YOU NOT, THERE IS NO ANTENNA ON THIS POS!

So, I'm thinking, how the hell am I going to use this clunker without buttons or an antenna? Laugh. I opened the manual, which Jobs wrote 'you're the best, enjoy this thing, call me with it and we can talk' then he put his numberos. I thought about him for a few, then read the manual. I think you're sposed to touch this screen. What is this the year 2000?

So, I finally get it working. Some of the features.

1.) Music Player, can play songs in a format called AAC or MP3, not sure what it means. I'm going to mod mine so it can accept compact discs (DUH) instead of FORMATS THAT NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF. Why didn't they just put an 8TRACK in this POS!?

2.) Phone. There ARE NO BUTTONS on here, so good luck getting anything to work easily. I just finished fully lotioning my body, so it's hard to use a touch screen. Did they think of that? 90% of the country lotions hourly, how are they expected to use this?

3.) Penis. My model has an extendable penis function. I found this by accident, and I was quite startled. The iPenis mode may have been just for me and I can't figure out what to do with it. I compared it to my own 'equipment', to no avail.

4.) Apple Insignia. The back of the phone has an apple insignia, which is NO SUPRISE at all. Why didn't they just put a picture of HUMANITY BEING CRUSHED BY ZOIDS because thats where this is all heading. Assholes.

5.) BBSing capability. This is cool, I looked at some of my boards via telnet, and it worked. I also logged into my Compuserv account. I don't get it, no AOL bundled? Thats going to cause lots of problems out there. I was hoping to check the weather and sports, but without AOL I was a little lost. I don't get the world today.

The thing is pretty sensual, if you ask me -- thats it's strongest point. I sat it down across from me, and I felt nervous. There was some energy there, I don't kid you. There was a sexual tension across the room. I didn't want to use it for calls, or for bbsing, or for anything-- I just wanted to make love to it. I started thinking about myself, and about this thing -- and I got hot and bothered, yo it was fab!!!

The next day, I'm thinking, I will take it out for some light dinner, then take it back to my trailer and ----- the SHIT out of it.

Can't wait, YUM!